I want to be a housewife. I am in love. Tyler says that he loves me too, but there are always excuses why he can't see me. The first excuse was that he got beat up at work and had to go to the hospital. The next excuse was that his daughter was in the hospital. Then there was drama with his baby mama. Then there was the day that his brother ran away and his friend tried to commit suicide. Now this weekend he says he's sick and is going to the hospital now. I really truly with all my heart want to believe him, but it's a lot and I've been hurt so many times in the past from being gullible and believing the lies and excuses that I was told. Sometimes I wish I could just jump ahead like 5 or 10 years so that I could be married with all my kids, have a house, my career in place and be happy. I know I will get to that place at some point, but I have a long way to go.
The thing that's so hard for me is whether or not to believe Tyler. So far all of his excuses seem realistic. He's a cop so he could have got hurt on the job. Plus he told me the story multiple times and the details were all spot on. I technically have no proof that Mikayla was in the hospital, but I hope to god that he wouldn't lie about his daughter being sick! That is the most messed up thing a parent can do! I believe that he had baby mama drama and I have no reason to question it because I have enough drama of my own and he puts up with it. I know his friend really tried to commit suicide because I saw the pictures of his cuts and I heard his desperate voicemails. I don't know for sure if his brother ran away, but I am riding on hope. He came over later that week and he seemed really upset and concerned so... I'm going to believe it. The hospital today seems like a stretch. I understand I'm being a bitch and I'm also being really selfish. It just hurts because he's been super MIA and all I want is to see him and spend time with him.
Maybe it's my fault. I feel like I'm being too available. Maybe I just need to back off and make him chase me. Guys like the chase right? What if he doesn't chase me? I guess that'll be the real test. The fact of the matter is I can't not text him back when I see his name on my phone and I can't not think about him. Seriously I'm completely in love with him. I haven't felt love like this since Erik, but with Erik it took me a while to fall for him. He said I love you right away. I said it back, but it took me a while to actually feel it. With Tyler I fell so hard so fast! That has absolutely never happened for me before. I am such a horrible person for admitting his but this is the first time that I really loved someone when I told them I loved them for the first time. I am so happy and I feel like he could be the one.
How do I make him talk to me more? How do I make him see me more? He says he wants me to move in with him and he says he wants me to marry him. I love him for saying those things but I want to know that he really means it and he's not just saying it.
Sometimes I wonder if he has some other girl and I'm just the girl on the side. I doubt it but my mind likes to wonder and I get paranoid about things like this because I've been cheated on and I have cheated on people.
I have always been the girl to have multiple boyfriends at once. I hope to god that this isn't my karma. Please dear god don't let this just be karma. I am going to be so hurt. He is such an amazing person. Maybe I just need to calm down and take it slow. Maybe that's why none of my other relationships worked: because I fall for people quick and things go too fast. At least I waited to have sex with him. I waited a few weeks. I was very proud of myself and I think he respected me for making him wait. At least, I hope so!! I want him to meet my daughter, but if he keeps flaking on me I have to wait. I think I should wait until Christmas. That's a solid 6 months after we started talking and 3 months since we started dating. I don't want to get hurt, but I'd get hurt millions of times before I exposed her to getting hurt. I don't want her to get attached to him and then have him disappointment her. Disappointment is the worst feeling in the world and I will do anything to protect my daughter from that.
Alright, lovelies, it's getting late and I still have to do laundry...eww. Goodnight 💋
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